Tonight I found out that God is a lesbian who wears silk pyjamas, furry sandals and gets mistaken for Sharon Osbourne’s niece. I saw, too, that Heaven is a dank railway arch enriched with an aroma of stale incense and a great big bed where the magic happens, writes Michael Holland.

And I mean real magic. Magic that involves water turning into wine. Proper magic like God disappearing before our very eyes on stage, and seconds later resurrecting herself off stage!

David Javerbaum’s An Act of God has its European premiere here after an award-winning run in New York, and it really is an evening of revelations. 

Benji Sperring’s direction gives us a deity, bored with the old Ten Commandments, who feels it is time to bring them more up to date to fit our modern times. So, as God discusses the reality of the old commandments she also reveals who came first out of the chicken and the egg; the truth about Noah’s Ark, Abraham sacrificing his own child, plus, why cucumbers do not vibrate.

Zoe Lyons is great as The Almighty. You can see how much she relishes the role. You can see the twinkle in her eye as she exposes Cain and Abel’s incestuous lifestyle in their quest to kickstart the human race. And as for talking snakes! Ssshhhut up!

An Act of God. The Vaults CREDIT Geraint Lewis

God has two archangels to help her perform miracles, Michael and Gabriel, who mingle with the audience to draw questions from them. Hence our collective discovery of why God hates Arsenal, the pointlessness of footballers praying to her – Except Maradona – and that now she has been working with Steve Jobs we can look forward to Universe 2.0.

An Act of God is an evening of miracles, magic and mirth. A night of believers finally seeing the light as God vanishes. Zoe Lyons, a true Goddess, says, ‘It would be a sin to miss this show; seriously, a sin.’

An Act of God is on at The Vaults Theatre, Launcelot Street, London  SE1 7AD until 12th January. Times: Tuesday to Saturday 8pm; Saturday and Sunday matinee 4pm. Admission: £20 – £35. Phone: 0844 815 7141.

Photos: Geraint Lewis